so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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