Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Randomize
