Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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