So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I party with great urgency now.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize