In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
