I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Randomize
