Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
