I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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