Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
