When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
