remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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