If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize