My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
