DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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