I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
