How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
