He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
