So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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