Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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