Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
