I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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