Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
