I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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