The maid of honor just puked.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
