my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I did not marry a roomba.
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