I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
