please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
