I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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