I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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