420 ftw
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
