i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
