so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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