i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
