i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
