apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
