we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
