Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
