Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
