my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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