I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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