new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
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