You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
