my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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