This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
