hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
