I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Randomize
