I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
