My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
