I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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