Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize