someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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