i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
