I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
