If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
