I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize