i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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