The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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