Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
