Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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