THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize