Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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