you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
