there's paper in my vomit.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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