she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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