Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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