There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
