My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
